On Letting Go

[Alone]

~ On "Letting Go" ~

To let you go
knowing I must set you free,
This is the hardest task I have ever done.
-Kirsti A Dyer, MD, MS

For most of the 20th century, the modern view of bereavement has involved "letting go" of one’s attachment to the lost loved one, "getting over it" and "moving on" with one’s life. The grieving person gradually "recovers" from the loss of a loved one, resulting in a return to "normal" behavior. These traditional views on grief and mourning have changed. Notably different are the long-held ideas that people need to "get over it" and "let go;" grief is eventually "resolved" by "detaching" and "moving on" to new relationships. While the current thinking about the concept of "letting go" has changed, it seems that this change pertains more to "letting go" of a loved one following a death rather than letting go of other types of losses.

Many of the life-changing setbacks that I have encountered over the years—professional and personal—have forced me to re-evaluate and reassess my life priorities, to "let go" of certain hopes, dreams and goals, and to learn how to see the opportunity in apparent adversity.



When one door closes,
another one opens.
But if we keep trying to go back
through the old door,
We may never notice the new one,
which is often much better
than the old one.
-Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS

One of my hardest life lessons has been realizing that holding on to a person, a goal or a dream can be destructive. Many times trying to "go back through the old door" is not what is needed to keep growing and thriving. These setbacks also require learning to recognize when it is time and a necessity to integrate the change or loss and "let go." Perhaps the most difficult part of "letting go" is finding the internal strength to recognize it is time and then letting the person, or thing go, and let the dream die. I have had to reframe many of my past relationships or friendships as "deaths"(of the friendship or relationship and the person you thought you knew) in order to reach an acceptance point, move on and let go.



With release comes Peace.
Let me learn to Love without holding,
to Give without expecting to receive in return.
-Joan Walsh Anglund

Types of " Letting Go" Losses
The concept of "letting go" is probably best applied to situations that require picking oneself up, restoring self-esteem and self-confidence following a loss, a setback or a significant life change. The types of losses or crises best suited to this concept include dissolution of relationship, change in occcupation, financial setbacks, diagnoses with long-standing medical conditions etc. The potential ability for "letting go" is highly dependent on the type and severity of the loss experienced.
"Letting go" can take on many forms:

Letting go of a long-term relationship - romantic, friendship or professional.
Letting go of a child, through relocation, divorce, going off to college.
Letting go of a treasured possession, property or cherished pet.
Letting go of hopes, dreams and goals.
Letting go of alcohol, drug use or other long-standing addiction.
Letting go of loneliness, anger or depression.
Letting go of the past - negative memories, resentments.
These losses are diverse and varied, but the common element is these events require that one accept and integrate the loss and recognize that their life is forever changed.
Learning to Live with the Loss

We do not get over grief.
But over time, we do learn to live with the loss.
We learn to live a different life...with our loss.
-Kenneth J. Doka

Grieving people must recognize that they may never "get over" their grief. They may never get over certain major losses—diagnosis of a terminal illness or the ultimate loss of a child, spouse or loved one to death. When a person dies he/she will never return, there is no negotiating to get them back. This loss is forever. The sorrow will endure as long as the grieving person is alive. Fortunately so too will the memories of good times and love shared with the person lost.

On the wings of time
Grief flies away.
-La Fontaine

We would all like to believe that "Time heals all wounds" and that with time "Grief flies away." It is important that people understand that grief is not like a cold or an illness that one "gets over." Instead grief should be viewed as something that gets better over time, that one learns to live with, but may never truly goes away. With time the loss, the intense initial painful emotions lessen to a level that allows the grieving person to function. The grief is no longer a daily all-consuming emotion. Rather than the grief "flying away" the grieving person learns how to cope with the loss and the grief, integrate the loss into his/her life, adapt to a life forever changed and keep living.

[kalachuchi]

hello there Alone

im not so familiar with you in person but I just wanna share the following verse with you. actually, i remember this poem when I saw your topic 'Letting Go', I got this one when I was in college, my doormate in St. Paul, her name is Katz (she told me the author is still Unknown) she gave this to me when I was fighting with my ex, well maybe she saw that i was hurt then since he is my first love:-) (he is not from Tago)...of course, i gave this poem to him written in a perfumed piece of paper (as advised by Katz! but I guess it was in a big tissue paper...eewww I think I forgot)...i have a feeling he's still keeping this (hahaha! joke!) well he knows Katz...he thought i made it but then itz from Katz, here it goes (hope you'll like it):


To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I cannot do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I cannot control another.

To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame me or you,
it is to make the most of ourselves.

To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow ourselves to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow ourselves to affect our own destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,
it is to permit us to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my own desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past, nor give up,
but to grow and live for the future.


To let go is to fear less and love more

[Alone]

It was a nice poem.
Thanks for sharing it. . To be honest I do appreciate it
Just feel free to post our reactions or anything that you want to share with me.

[kalachuchi]

yup!
thanks:-)

[Alibangbang]

Alone/Kalachu,

uhmm my two cents.

I’m sentimental, always guilty of romanticizing things old and past. But I learnt something when I went back home recently. Expecting my old rambles to be the same paradise I knew as a child. Try as I might, happy as I was, I can’t go back. It was very disorienting...Some sort of progress has taken over so yes...let go I must.

[Alone]

Why does one have to say goodbye,
When love still resides in the heart?
When to care is all that you want to do,
When the feeling still exist?

I guess we just need to remember that
Love given is not always returned
Nor given back for whatever it's worth
But one has to concede even
...with much pain
...with much tears
If letting go shows that you love not just much
...but even more.

To let go is not to forget
For forgetting dissolves the memories of time
To let go is not to believe in lies
Because lies deprive you of true love
To let go is to seek and to realize one's love
The love which lives deeply in the heart
So deep that the roots have endured...
the pain...
the tears...
the goodbyes...

*******

Thank you for sharing your thoughts about LETTING GO..
Currently, I'm mending a broken heart (I guess its obvious on the previous posts that I did) but I'm moving on, that is why I posted a topic regarding letting go. I'm a very sentimental person. I hate losing people in my journey in what we call life, I even hate it more when the reason why I loss them is because I let them go. Not because I don't love them but because I know that was the right thing to do.

I remember a quote form Spiderman 2- Sometimes... to do what's right... we must be steady... and give up the things we desire the most... even our dreams.

[iCeprIncEsS]

hi alone, while browsing thru some of my rants on this subject, I found a very beautiful write up by a former teacher, melanie lim, who now writes for a local daily. i hope her words will speak comfort to you.

on a personal note, i have had to let go of relationships in the past. difficult it may be, but i found myself growing up and becoming a better person afterwards. the last one, three months after i decided to let go of him, was deeply disturbed as he came to a realization that he gave up a jewel. we got married a year after. whether you lose him completely or he comes back into your life, i think it is a win-win situation. it may cause you pain for a while, but in the end it leaves you a more matured person. while most people will tell you that time heals all wounds, i will have to say that it is GOD who heals all wounds. when you begin to forgive yourself and the other person, then you're on your way to a speedy recovery! hugs!

----------

Sometimes, love dies. And there is no easy
explanation for it.

Some of us see it coming. Some of us dont. But
most of us try not to see it at all. Because it
is easier to pretend that all is well rather than
admit that your dreams have been shattered and
that you are left only with the broken pieces of
your heart.

It hurts to imagine the person we love with
someone else. It hurts to no longer be the object
of his/her affections. It hurts to be no longer
the center of his/her universe. It hurts to no
longer be wanted. It hurts to be discarded,
replaced and dumped unceremoniously like an old
rag that has outlived its usefulness.

It hurts to no longer be loved.

But it happens everyday to the best among of us
to the beautiful, the kind, the talented, the
smart, the successful, the multi-awarded. It
happens to the perfect wife, sister, friend and
mother. It happens to the civic leader, the CEO,
the cover girl.

Whether or not its something we did or didnt do,
sometimes, love just dies. And overthinking would
serve no purpose.

To be loved is a blessing. But to no longer be
loved is not necessarily a tragedy.

Weve been raised since childhood to believe that
love must last forever. And perhaps it must. But
isnt it possible to simply be happy for the love
you have no matter if it doesnt last forever?
Isnt it possible to simple savor the moment and
become richer by it without wanting to possess it
forever? Isnt it possible to love and let go and
love again?

Isnt it possible to love forever but to love
different people over time?

Its all right to no longer be loved. Its all
right to stop loving. Its all right to mourn for
loves losses but to condemn yourself to a life of
misery because your love didnt last forever is
foolhardy. If love must die, let it go peacefully
into the night.

But dont keep score. Love is not a contest. It
is not a competition to see who emerges the
prettiest, the craftiest or toughest. Love is
what it is a gift. It cannot be forced on
anyone. Neither can it be forced out of anyone.
So let it be.

When love dies, hold on to the memories. But let
go of the one you love.

[iCeprIncEsS]

Here's another one by another author.

----
THE ART OF LETTING GO

By Bum Tenorio, Jr.

The Philippine Star

Chengdu, China - A few hours now, I will be embarking on an exciting
winter tour of the Three Gorges of the Yangtze River on board Galaxy
Cruise Ship. The weather here in Chengdu is freezing cold - a little
below five degrees Celsius, says Legend, our English-speaking Chinese
tour guide. He adds that once on the cruise, the temperature will drop
to zero or below zero degrees Celsius. My whole body is already
chilled to perfection except that my heart is throbbing like a glowing
cinder amidst Chengdu's biting cold. I will spend my Valentine's Day
on the cruise - alone but not lonely - in celebration of my freedom.
My very own freedom.

For 10 long years, albeit long distance, I carried on a relationship
with a person I thought I would grow old and gray with. I sacrificed
to the degree that I loved. Until one proverbial day, my love for
myself began where my love for that person ended.

With my experience in the department of romance, I learned that the
art of letting go is mathematically proportional to the art of
self-preservation. Like all ethics and etiquettes, letting go and
preserving oneself are crafts that can be mustered and mastered by
people who want to get out of the crude and vicious cycle. These
skills are the summation of one's conscious convictions - albeit
peppered and punctured with nerve wracking and heart wrenching
feelings - to be happy and complete in one's silence and solitude.
Love makes the world go round, they say. Even Henry David Thoreau, one of my
favorite American writers and philosophers, said that there is no remedy to
love but to love more. I say, however, that loving
yourself more by letting go of someone who love you less (or does not
love you anymore) makes you a better person.

Days before the cruise, I asked my spiritual adviser and very good
friend, Fr. Corsie Legazpi, a healing priest, why many people live an
unhappy life. "It is because," he says, "the unhappy people have have
not truly and experientially loved themselves." I agree. "They have
killed themselves by loving others and forgetting that they have their
own life to live and love." I agree even more.

In Romance 101, just like in any subject about life, not all problems
can be solved. They can only be managed. Problems concerning the
affairs of the heart cannot be remedied right away. Letting go is part
of problem management. Many suffer from broken-heartedness because they do
not want to move on. Why hold on to your love for someone who, come hell or
high water, will not love you or will not fulfill his/her end of the bargain
of loving you back? Why do you have to stick it out with someone who will
choose either the devil or the deep blue sea but you? If the love of your
life is sumakabilang BAHAY na (now living with another man/woman,) please be
brave enough to penetrate the deep and depressing recesses of your life or
else ikaw naman ang sasakabilang BUHAY (you will die broken-hearted).
Empower yourself.
Tell yourself that you will only love him/her until the day that
he/she loved you. As Father Corsie says: "No one has the monopoly of
power. What you can do to me, I can do to you."

The art of letting go starts from the ultimate conviction that you
love yourself more and you believe that you don't deserve to be hurt.
As I said in my earlier article, happiness is a responsibility. We
have options in life. And we can choose to go to the person who loves
us. "Remember this," Father Corsie advises me, "when you're down and
out, alone and lonely, do not go to the one you love. Instead, go to
the one who loves you." (Hey, even the dog goes where it feels loved.
Tayo pa kayang mga tao?)

If you're into a relationship and you continually hurt each other, it
comes to a point when you have to make a decision whether or not love is
enough to salvage the relationship; whether or not love is
sufficient to keep the embers of your affair burning. If the hurting
situation is recurrent, say it happens at an average of once or twice
a month, it's time you weighed out your relationship. If the hurting
situation is irreparable, irremediable, and irretrievable, that's the
time you say goodbye. If you come back to each other's arms and hurt
each other again, love becomes self-defeating, an exercise in
futility. It takes two to tango, right? How do you think can you do an
Argentinean dip if you're dancing alone? Hello!?! (Even Jennifer as
Paulina needed Richard Gere as John to do the tango in the feel good
but no-brainer movie Shall we Dance?) The point is, there are many
other people who are worth loving, people who are worth caring for,
people who will give equal emotional investment.

Yes, love is economics, too. There is a supply of emotion because
there is a demand for it. Irregularities between the supply and demand
of emotion create commotion. Either there will be a deficit of love or
a surplus of love that becomes asphyxiating. The demand should only
meet the supply. Venturing into an amorous relationship involves
investment of time, effort, energy, body, and yes, life. Therefore,
there should be equitability between partners. If you settle for
anything less, then that is tantamount to doing great disservice to
yourself. That is not love. That is something else.

Redeem yourself by letting go. Learn how to pick up the pieces of your
shattered life. Go to the right places where good people congregate.
(Perhaps you'll meet the right person there.) There's more to life
after separating from the guy or girl you idolized and to whom you
gave your all. Hey, don't blame yourself for giving your all because
that means you can retrieve it again at a hundred percent basis. If
your emotional capitalization is 100 percent, expect to get back the
same amount for yourself. Don't hide. Cry. Cry some more. It's all
right to cry because you get hurt. There's something with tears that
cleanses the soul and purifies the spirit. But never ever run around
like a headless chicken. Don't give the person who hurt you the
opportunity and satisfaction to see you suffer. You will not
authentically love someone unless you authentically love yourself. If
we go by the rule of the authenticity, there's no love loss then. This
is because at the end of the equation you will find yourself - scathed
but fighting (not to win him/her back but to win back yourself),
bruised but still waging a conscious sure-win battle (of not
conquering him/her again but conquering your own fears, weakness and
loneliness).

If you are the agrieved party, part of moving on - though it may come
later on in the process - is forgiving the person who hurt you.
Forgiveness - which I believe is a grace from God - and coming back
are two different things. You can forgive but that does not mean you
have to come back to each other's arms again. On the other hand, if
you have aggrieved someone, learn how to apologize. Saying sorry is
something we have learned before we even went to pre-school. Those who do
not know how to say "I am sorry" are insulting your capacity to
forgive.

My bestfriend Christine Dayrit (who writes a travel column for the
STAR) and I, fiercely loyal that we are, have this mantra: "We will
only die for the person who will die for us." If in this lifetime I
will not find someone, I will be honestly happy and contenct in my
solitude.

There's dignity in being alone.

[Alone]

Thank you..Those are nice articles..

***
Sometimes it is Letting Go of things...material things which mean a lot to us, even if only sentimental value.

It may mean Letting Go of feelings. When we hold sadness inside, and try to mask it with only a show of happiness, it is better to let it go, to feel the sadness so it washes through us. A good cry can be cleansing.

Sometimes, we have to let go of someone we care for very deeply when we realize that person does not care for us in the same way. Maybe it is best to leave them remembering us with whatever kind of feeling they do have for us. It may not be possible to hide our own deeper feelings for that person, which could make their life uncomfortable. Letting Go may be the best gift we can give them because they may realize how we feel, yet care enough not to want to hurt us.

Even when we know a relationship is not right, on both sides, or one person has a doubt about it, it is hard to let go of something that seems secure. We often accept less than the best because we can’t bear to let go.

There are occasions when we feel something wonderful for someone, but we don’t express it for fear of being rejected. Sometimes our feelings will be rejected. Yet, what if we withhold it from the one person who could very well be that One Special Someone in our lives and they too have been afraid to express their true feelings, or don’t even realize their true feelings yet! How sad that we may miss The Best for fear of Letting Go of the expression of those feelings.

Whatever the reason, or situation, it is never easy Letting Go.
_________________

[kalachuchi]

Why does one have to say goodbye,
When love still resides in the heart?
When to care is all that you want to do,
When the feeling still exist?

I guess we just need to remember that
Love given is not always returned
Nor given back for whatever it's worth
But one has to concede even
...with much pain
...with much tears
If letting go shows that you love not just much
...but even more.

To let go is not to forget
For forgetting dissolves the memories of time
To let go is not to believe in lies
Because lies deprive you of true love
To let go is to seek and to realize one's love
The love which lives deeply in the heart
So deep that the roots have endured...
the pain...
the tears...
the goodbyes...

*******

Thank you for sharing your thoughts about LETTING GO..
Currently, I'm mending a broken heart (I guess its obvious on the previous posts that I did) but I'm moving on, that is why I posted a topic regarding letting go. I'm a very sentimental person. I hate losing people in my journey in what we call life, I even hate it more when the reason why I loss them is because I let them go. Not because I don't love them but because I know that was the right thing to do.

I remember a quote form Spiderman 2- Sometimes... to do what's right... we must be steady... and give up the things we desire the most... even our dreams.

:-)
alone dear, how are you?? feeling better now??
time do pass very fast when you least expect it...
one day you will be laughing on that painful experience

as Peter Parker said:

"...whatever comes our way, whatever battle we have raging inside us, we always have a choice…we can choose to be the best of ourselves…its the choices that make us who we are, and we can choose to do what is right."

best of luck!

[Alone]

Im getting better...
Thank you..

[BONSAL]

CLOSING CYCLES
by: Paolo Coelho


One always has to know when a stage comes to

an end.If we insist on staying longer than the

necessary time, we lose the happiness and the

meaning of the other stages we have to go

through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending

chapters whatever name we give it, what matters

is to leave in the past the moments of life that

have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving

relationship come to an end? Did you leave your

parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-

lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can

spend a long time wondering why this has

happene! d. You can tell yourself you won't take

another step until you find out why certain things

that were so important and so solid in your life

have turned into dust, just like that. But such an

attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone

involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your

friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be

finishing chapters, turning over new leaves,

getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing

you at a standstill.None of us can be in the present

and the past at the same time, not even when we

try to understand the things that happen to us.

What has passed will not return: we cannot for

ever be children,late adolescents, sons that feel

guilt or rancor towards our parents,lovers who day

and night relive an affair with someone who has

gone away and has not the least intention of

coming back. Things pass, and the best we can

do is to let them really go away. That is ! why it is so

important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy

souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to

orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at

home. Everything in this visible world is a

manifestation of the invisible world, of what is

going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain

memories also means making some room for

other memories to take their place. Let things go.

Release them. Detach yourself from them.

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so

sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do

not expect anything in return, do not expect your

efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be

discovered, your love to be understood.Stop

turning on your emotional television to watch the

same program over and over again, the one that

shows how much you suffered from a certain loss:

that is only poisoning you, nothing else. Nothing is

more dangerous than not accepting love

relationsh! ips that are broken off, work that is

promised but there is no starting date, decisions

that are always put off waiting for the ideal

moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old

one has to be finished:

tell yourself that what has passed will never come

back. Remember that there was a time when you

could live without that thing or that person nothing

is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may

sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is

very important. Closing cycles. Not because of

pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply

because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door,

change the record, clean the house, shake off the

dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into

who you are.

[manday]

NO ONE CAN GO BACK AND MAKE A BRAND NEW START.

ANYONE CAN START FROM NOW AND MAKE A BRAND NEW ENDING.

[kalachuchi]

NO ONE CAN GO BACK AND MAKE A BRAND NEW START.

ANYONE CAN START FROM NOW AND MAKE A BRAND NEW ENDING.

itz nice to know that manday has experienced that 'letting go' stage, as well