REASON WHY I SO HEART JESSICA ZAFRA!

[kampanaryo_spy]

THE FIRST RULE OF SNOOTINESS
By Jessica Zafra


Your grammar must be impeccable. It is the quality that sets you apart from the slavering hordes with their inferior education. Clothes, accessories, and styling can be lost; barring a lobotomy, grammar is perpetual. Consider this flyer for a new restaurant.

This is UPPER EAST, the new restaurant that turns your concept of fine dining over on its ear.

The correct idiomatic expression is “turn (it) on its ear”.

A word to the wise: UPPER EAST is not for those sans chutzpah and those unwilling to pay for the price for a taste of New York style.

You mean “to pay the price for a taste”.

Run by the chefs and students of AHA Philippines, UPPER EAST’s interiors are done in modern chic, urban classic,

In my experience, people who describe a particular style as “modern chic, urban classic” are not sure what style they are referring to exactly. “Chic” is a synonym for “stylish”, which would be like saying “stylish style”. “Urban” denotes popular culture, hence “urban classic” is an oxymoron.

design reminiscent of New York’s Upper East Side apartments.

How interesting. I’ve only ever seen Upper East Side apartments crammed with antiques and tchotchkes from the mother country, but that must be because I only know old people.

Wooden chandeliers complete the picture of a restaurant that may just be too chic for its clients. From the regular menu of American classic and fusion, to weekly specials from different world cuisines, to fine wines from all over the world,

Ah, but fine wines are only produced in some sections of the world, no?

you can expect only the very best offerings from AHA’s culinary expertise delivered to your table.

At this point the copywriter ran out of snootiness and reverted to regular PR mode.

Just don’t expect to dine whenever you want to. After all, UPPER EAST is not always open for business. We close our doors when we want to, and we certainly won’t wait around for guests who, frankly, need to get a move on. No lunch is served after 1 p.m. and no dinner after 9 p.m.

Good point. I would like to see if it is possible to enforce this rule in Manila. Dining before 9 pm—what a charming bourgeois habit.

to do his bidding UPPER EAST is not for the weak of heart. Expect to be serenaded, as you sip your wine and savor every bite of your meal, by the screaming and ranting of our compulsive Executive Chef for whom incompetence is a crime, set against a sonic backdrop of AHA students sobbing and scrambling.

Too many clauses, and “savor every bite” is overstating it. There are better ways of saying your Executive Chef is a shit who reduces his or her minions into quivering blobs of aspic. Besides, the truly powerful never have to raise their voices.

UPPER EAST is not for scrooges and stiffs. We tolerate sharing, although it’s not exactly de rigeur,

The correct spelling is de rigueur. Darling if you’re going to be snooty, consult the spell checker.

is it? As for splitting? The fine is set at P250,

Must we mention money, it’s so prole. One may as well consent to be interviewed by those…those…my apologies in case you are dining. . .society magazines.

not including our wait staff looking down their noses at you. This is the UPPER EAST experience. And this is the price you pay… if you can get in.

Allons-y! I shall be there, with nose extensions.

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(Note: Upper East is a restaurant in Salcedo Village, Makati. If you want to read the blogpost as written and the comments it generated, click the link: http://jessicarulestheuniverse.com/2009 ... /#comments)